A newly formed advocacy group was recently formed in the northwest to support the outdated carpet in the PDX airport. The newly formed PDXCAGUACT (Portland Carpet Advocacy Group United Against Carpet Terrorism) aims to bring awareness to the horrible plight of the seemingly aged Portland airport carpet. Sadly, the carpet has been ripped from it’s home like a refugee in the third world, creating massive hysteria and discomfort for 7 people in the northwest and some news outlets. In an effort to identify why the carpet has become the target of what is being described as the worst case of floor covering terrorism in recent history, we asked some folks at the Port of Portland to describe the hostile action. Johnny Highflier, who identified himself as a Port associate twice removed but still remotely related to the incident, stated “This carpet makes no sense anymore. It is dirty, aging, and hideous to the eye. It has created so much displeasure it has to go.” A spokesman from PDXCAGUACT countered with, “This carpet has a cultural significance that cannot be measured by microns of dirt and bodily fluids under UV. This carpet inspired me to become a dog trainer, and many more are devastated at the treatment it is receiving. Floor coverings just keep getting stepped on, and that’s not fair.” As of today crews are actively replacing the carpet, with get this - more ugly carpet. News of the switch to the new and improved ugly carpet had the PDXCAGUACT in a tizzy, not knowing what to do with it’s campaign as it seems to be losing coverage in news channels it once dominated for one newscast. However turbulent the situation, the new carpet is taking the situation as expected. When asked how it was feeling about replacing it’s predecessor, it had no comment.
As the old carpet is removed we can only speculate that the PDXCAGUACT will be forced to retire the supporting Facebook page and assorted useless merchandise it created for future landfill use. As always, we’ll keep you updated here as to the status of all parties. Oh, and Keep Portland Weird.